When I walked into Nordstrom today, I felt Home. Beautiful. Sparkly. Pretty. Art. Alive. Heaven. As I walked around pulling pieces for a client, I thought “I get to do this as my job!!”
And then, I thought about how a lot of the clothes (more than I want to admit) are sewn by people who are not paid enough or treated well enough by their employers. And I was tempted to spiral downwards with guilt. But then, I remembered something I read this week about someone going to Paris for the Taylor Swift concert asking how that amazing experience can be ok when other people are suffering all around the world. She wrote about holding the amazingness and the pain. That everyone is worthy of beauty and safety. If you say you’re not worthy to have something good happen to you, you really say no one is worthy of good. In that moment at the mall, I remembered that just because some big, very real things are wrong, doesn’t mean the beauty isn’t real. It’s both. Together. Figuring out how to think about fashion as art is tricky when the fashion industry is one of the top polluting industries globally. There is work to be done around sustainability and fair-trade practices with and around the clothing we wear. And I cannot fix it all as one person. And I care very much about the health of humanity and the planet. And I love beautiful clothes. And I feel alive when shopping for myself or a client. Seeing someone’s features light up when wearing the perfect color, someone’s essence come into alignment with the perfect outfit where it’s like everything just fell into place and makes sense– feels really good! It is connection with Divinity.
I believe we can have both/all the good things. We can have high paid garment workers and sustainable fabric production and wear beautiful clothing. I believe that this is true.
For a long time, I thought that perfection was my only goal. I had to figure out what everyone could possibly want from me and what they possibly could expect from me and somehow put it all together in a way that looked like a life, or at least an existence. In the past I have felt that I need to only shop at thrift stores or try to find brands that are sustainable and ethical (when both of those criteria are extremely subjective). I tried to do all the “right” things according to lots of different people because I didn’t want to take a stand on anyone being wrong. And so, I had no center, no identity, no way to make decisions.
I remember going to college felt so overwhelming and weird to me. My whole life up to that point I was not really making any choices. I was told where to go, what to do, how to manage my time. Now I had to make decisions like what I wanted to study and think about my “future”. I had never really envisioned it before, which really speaks to how in a state of panic I was all the time. I never thought about any dreams or goals for my life (not since in elementary school when I wanted to be a “food artist”). I was always just trying to survive the moment.
This is why I’m so passionate about living from desire now. That’s how I’ve connected back to my center and soul. And I only want more of that connection from here on out. I figure that if my true, deep desires originated in my divine design then they can be a sort of spiritual guide or north star for what is right or wrong for me. A way I can access my personal path.
In 2017, I was already battling a lot of chronic illness symptoms and then I started having really bad headaches. I ended up having migraine headaches every day for 11 months. I was extremely sensitive to light and sound and movement. At the worst of this season, I was in so much pain and so debilitated that Paul and I moved in with my parents. They were living on a summer camp property (for my mom’s job) out in the boonies, so it was much quieter there than my West Philly apartment. My mom worked from home (obvs), so she could take care of me (bring me food and meds) during the day. Days on end I would repeat mantras to myself like “all pain is temporary” and “faith is being sure of what you do not see” to keep myself from going absolutely crazy. I would envision myself being better– pain-free and happy. I would think about having kids someday. I had visions of myself speaking on a stage about healing. I wanted to get a belly button ring. There wasn’t really anything I was looking forward to going back to in my life, though. Except one thing.
I missed shopping so much! I can’t think of anything I missed more than shopping. I even had Paul go to Gap at one point and buy me things to try on (nothing ended up working, and it was devastating). I put outfits together every day in the darkness. I would tell Paul or my mom which specific pieces to grab from the dresser and I knew which things were in the laundry and I would tell them what outfit I knew I wanted to wear… for a big day of sitting alone in a dark, silent room. Because what I wear will always matter to me that much.
I got a renewed sense of purpose today. My client went home with some really great pieces, and I think with more confidence and excitement about being herself in her life. It felt really good and right to be a part of that.
As I was writing this, my three-year-old started crying upstairs in his room. When I went in, he said he was feeling sick. I ended up spending the next two hours sitting with him trying to figure out what was going to help him feel better. We rocked in the rocking chair, I held his hand while he laid in his bed, and then ended up on the couch in the living room with some Tylenol and tea. As I was holding him as he cried and squirmed around, I was still connected to that alive feeling in my body as I reflected on my love of shopping/beauty/art. I was still able to tap into that fulfilled energy while at the same time holding space for my son to be upset and scared about being in pain. I could be with both. And I saw that I was able to show up for him so much better because I was holding that higher vibration to start with.
Life is everything. And I’m going to keep following my desires leading me towards more and more ease, aliveness and beauty for everyone.
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